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Welcome to Ellastasia's Blog, my not-so-humble space on the net. Here you will find ramblings about life & an occasional tidbit of intel, info, reports, projects & the lowdown. If you are sensitive to bad language, I suggest you leave now.

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OFFICIALLY OPENED: 2008.01.01

♥ ♥ i am short ♥ ♥ sign libra scorpio rising; ox
loc. jersey of new england
occ. fulltime wife & mother, parttime graphic artist. my expertise lie in typing (97 wpm), adobe ps & ill., macromedia dw/fw, ms office, professional procras...

i take interest in roman history new technology red mafia music digital media & design the art of writing efficiency learning languages [russian german japanese italian] religion collecting aromas sleep music kyuss muse rolling stones zeppelin sheer terror rammstein cake sweet deep purple big bad voodoo daddy bobby darin
film easy money what dreams may come nightmare before christmas fear and loathing in las vegas a shot in the dark count of monte cristo boondock saints
paper crime and punishment jane eyre elric dragonlance chronicles the vampire chronicles otherland daily life in ancient rome the count of monte fisto illuminatus voltaire
quote Bad artists always admire each other's work. - Oscar Wilde

monty see monty do

I support WASTING TIME.


tl;dr just a lot of bullshit

I feel a fresh burst of inspiration running through my fingers.  Started a new painting last night, unfortunately there was a huge t-storm so I couldn't finish it (and like I predicted, the power went out, so good thing I quit while I was ahead).  I'm too lazy to convert it now but it looks freaking awesome, if I do say so myself :)

So yeah, my doctor tells me today that she wants to induce me this Thursday since my BP went up to 130/80 (usually it's 110/70), and my cervix dilated another cm since last week to 3.  Soooo off I will go to the Labour and Delivery section 630am this Thursday.  I'm so freaking anxious now.  As luck would have it, my water will probably break…oh, tonight ha.  Guess this'll be my last entry for a while.  Didn't get to finish the gift portrait, still have to find the extra cell phone charger, I mean heck, I didn't expect her to be coming until at least another week.  Oh well.

So, when I have a social life, I neglect this thing, but I guess that's alright. So I've been on facebook alot. As always now, though I feel a social withdrawal phase coming along, which is probably why I'm writing in here. I guess I can only handle human beings in small spurts. But I have been out with Kate--twice already, plus a whole conversation on the phone. I can't even remember the last time I spoke on the phone for more than an hour, let along 15 minutes. And the last time I went to the mall? I don't think I was even married last time I went, a few things have changed but not a whole lot. Walking is not for me at this point, I realised. Not that I'm out of shape or anything (I probably am, though), but the hamstrings or whatever is down there started aching. But it is soooo good to be out with Kate again, I really really hope things work out for her. Everything's obviously going to take time, but I think things will be better for her in the end.

In other news, I got Sims Apartment Life, and it's pretty fun. I think the best add-ons, for me anyway, are Seasons, Out for Business, and Freetime. He got it for me...last Monday, and I think I've already played it all out. Maybe I'll try to open another buesiness or something, at least get in a litle more gametime before Lucy decides to pop her head out. I went to the dr. Tuesday and they did an internal exam to see how much I'm dilated--2cm already?? Well I can certainly feel it because if my mind isn't occupied, all I think about is my water breaking at the most inopportune time, like sya, right when I go to bed. *sigh.

Oo I know, I'll make townhouses or something. Hm...

I saw Ernie the other weekend, did I mention that in a previous entry? I'm too lazy to check. He looks like a mess, and I feel so bad. The poor kid has enough issues in his mind and he just looked like a wreck. I hope my tactless comments didn't offend him or anything.

Well in any case. Still reading Demons, would really like to get to Brothers Karamazov or another Gogol. Or Witching Hour. I don't know what I'll be doing in the hospital for two days, since I don't know how long Fran will be able to sit in there. I've been sleeping like crap because it is so. Damn. Hot. In here. And of course, there is no pity from them. It just makes me mad anyway because if/when they turn the AC on, she just proceeds to open the windows and defeat the whole purpose. But don't I bitch about this every year? So much for web sites and stories. I can't sit in the computer chair for longer than an hour at most anyway. I've discovered that Ziploc baggies is the best invention since plastic bags, becuase how else can you completely hide the odors of a dirty diaper than with a sealable Ziploc bag. I need to patent this lol. And I need to go food shopping one more time in case Lucy comes early.


I know, at first it looks like poo, but it's really just dirt and leaves. You don't think I really stick her poo right in the baggie. I do use the quart size though. Better safe than sorry. :3

What a busy week it's been for me, I don't think I've been out with friends this often since I left high school.  Ooh yeah, and of course this all happens a few weeks before Lucy is due, as well as when major fatigue hits me so I'm ready to pass out when I'm out.  Does it show?  Ma and Dad said I don't have to go to Shoprite anymore.

So I catch up with Christa on Tuesday, then with Sam on Thursday, and Kate texts me Friday night but at that point, I realised that I am no longer 19 years old and have the ability to drop everything and go hang out with friends.  Somebody's gotta stay home with the baby, you know?  I got to see Kate Saturday though, and it felt just like old times.  I think it's been practically 5 years since I've seen her last.  She told me her story and I was really going to cry because she is the biggest sweetheart in the world and for someone—I mean, you hear stories like this about other people, but for those stories to become your former best friend's story, her life…I'm so upset by the whole thing.  I'm starting to wonder if there was anything I could've done to prevent it, but it's complicated.

But it feels so wonderful to have my Kate back.  She has a tad bit of a different air about her, but that's to be expected.  She's been through a helluva lot more than most people her age, that's for sure.

And then Christa texts me when I get back to my mother's and tells me that Ernie is at the Matontis…what??  Yeah, no one told me because – well I know why, I think.  I'm surprised that Christa even knew but anyway, I think Ian is (maybe?) upset at me (see what happens when I start getting back in the "loop" again?  This high school shit is so beneath everyone and it's getting really freaking old).  I let Christa know how I felt about the whole thing yesterday, and granted it's just my opinion, but no use crying over spilt milk.  I think she understands, though.  Now will either of them follow through with what they've told me? 

So I visited with Ernie for a little bit and yeah, I thought that I was out of the loop?  Oh man he didn't even know I was pregnant!  But moving along, there is something not right in his head.  He's still Ernie, yes, but…it's one of those inexplicable things that you sense, and it could be one of so many things.  I think Christa spent some time with him last night, which is good because I had to take Fran home before she threw a fit, and I hope it did him some good.  But at this point, I don't know what the precise issue is.  I'm pretty sure it's a self-thing, like Ian, but I mean I'm not psychologist or psychiatrist, but there's got to be some kind of diagnosis and means of rebirth and renewal for it.  It's just…beyond me.

I left to go back home last night scratching me head.  How do I say this…how come things seem to be dandy for me, but all of my other friends are struggling.  I mean I have my own problems and issues, sure, but nothing like what my friends are dealing with.  I feel like such an asshole and yes, I should be and am extremely grateful.  Me, being into karma and superstition and whatnot, am now extremely worried that something terrible is impending in my life.

In other news, how do you know when a mango is ripe? 

I need to work on my story, it's really getting on my nerves.  And make some horsey art.

So I met up with Christa yesterday - we could've talked all day, I don't think we got to every topic we would've liked to. And tomorrow, I'm going out with Sam to some restaurant place, i haven't seen her since my wedding. As long as we avoid politics, everything will be just fine heheh--so what is this, I think my biological clock is telling me to get back in touch with everyone before dropping off the face of the earth in a few weeks. At least this stuff is keeping my mind off of getting agitated and anxious over the whole birth.

I got around to doing that Hedy Lamarr painting last night--I don't know which is harder, closeups of faces or faraway shots.

Either way, I gotta look up those copyright issues because I really would like to have my own web portfolio for people who would possibly like to buy prints of them. Right.

Devils is absolutely fantastic, but man is it a long book. I didn't realise it was a 700+ page book!

Man, I don't know if I'm just impatient or full of myself or what but Kate hasn't written me back yet. Did I get too gushy in my reply? lol well Christa told me some thing--some crazy things. I didn't know my family was such a large topic, or at least served in some sublime things, like wtf...! Unreal. I would really love to catch up with her but I was thinking last night that yeah, I am the sister of her xbf...awwkward...so you know, I guess I understand. Oh well.

I'm debating whether or not I should outline mys tory. I feel like I'm going nowhere with it (partly because I haven't written in the damn thing for the past 2 weeks), but at the same time, I do have a general gist of where it's going. I outlined Novikova Project and we all know where that went--to the bottom of my writing priorities. And so I'm worried that the same will happen with this one. I guess I should just kick myself and push myself to just write in the darn story. I just get anxious right before I get to a mini-climax and end up getting writer's block. I'm an ass. And is it just me or were there a helluva lot of "I's" in this last paragraph? Oh well, my blog, my life.

230k keystrokes later and I had to reset my damn token. That's the last time I use or download a beta program.

Ugh, I have a dr's appointment tomorrow, too. I know I don't have a kidney infection like they were trying to presume last week; it's just so annoying to go. Tolerating every other week was bad enough. I can't imagine what it'd be like if I went to the dr from the get-go. What a drag--to go in, pee in a cup, sit and wait 10 minutes for the dr to look at my pee results for 5 seconds, and then turn to me and tell me, 'see you next week.' Ass. I have this annoying pain in the back of my top left jaw where my wisdom tooth did/didn't come out and hurts everytime I open my mouth or chew.

Yes, I'm very tired and very annoyed. My hormones have never been more wrecked than they are now, I definitely was not like this with Fran.

Blogger seriously needs to update their photo upload system. I write a whole damn post, then go to insert a picture, and inserts it at the very top of the text? Hello? How does that make sense?

Moving along, I really rushed this one:

I really wanted to do Hedy Lamarr though. My art to-do list is getting shorter and shorter, finally. Well, kind of. The imperative list is waning, the optional list is massive.

My stomach has been acting very strange lately, I think it's probably because Lucy is taking up a lot of space now. I worry everyday now if my water's broken, which is kind of pointless being that she's still not due for another month. I really feel like she is going to be unexpected and early, or worse, she will come right when I go to bed.

My internet went down shortly after I blogged my last post, so nothing doing per my last "issue." I went to the Matonti's today and was hoping to see Christa, but alas, Ian's tactless communication skills seemed to have offended her (and rightly so, :roll:) so she wasn't there. But anyway, the whole thing is still on my mind, and has been. I've actually been really quite depressed/distressed/agitated the past few days. I cussed out Carmine and my mother's bad mood put me in a worse mood. Like, I want a cigarette, I'm so agitated. Anxious. Whatever. I felt a bit better after talking about it for a little bit with Alliene, and it sort of made me realise how "miniscule" the whole thing is, being that I could explain to her the entirety of my emotions in less than 2 minutes.

But. I'm still up in the air about it, which I probably shouldn't be? Alliene tried to assure me that the gesture would be appreciated? But I don't think so? I feel so distant? For my own sanity, I guess I should just make it quick, that way, I don't have this "what if" hanging over my head.

Been reading Dostoevsky's Demons/Devils/The Possessed and it is really feckin' good. Really feckin' good. The funniest literature I've read from him so far. Hanging out at the Matontis with Fran felt pretty good, minus the anxiety of keeping an eye on Fran. I knew she'd be fine but man, I can't believe how paranoid I've become over her.


Que facca?

Oh man, and talk about in-law drama. Good heavens. As long as she doesn't lash out on me or anything like that, whatever. But her attitude makes everyone lose sleep at night, and that's not right. I don't understand what makes her tick, I really don't. I've never known anyone to act like so, but then again, I did live in a dorm with 35 other girls for 3 months. But I guess that's different than actually living with a nut. Weird. God bless that boy.